You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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