but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
