My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
