i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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