Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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