he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
True strength comes from lack of pants
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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