Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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