WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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