I could make wine with my vomit
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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