$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
