so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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