You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
