She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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