Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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