thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
