she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
