I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I am spending my child support on dildos
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
