puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
