Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
