Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
