today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
