nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
