i would punch a child for taco bell
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Are we still banned from the library?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
