i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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