she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
