i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
There's always time for handjobs
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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