Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
