I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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