That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
