i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
