She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
