i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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