I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.