I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?