Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
