Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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