Please, let me fuck your mom
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
