It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
