Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
