Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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