mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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