tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
