I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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