Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
