Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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