bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
