I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
