i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
