Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
