The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he fucked my hip out of place.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
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Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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