sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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