just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Someone signed my nipple.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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