Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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