Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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