dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
pray to the hookup gods
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
