Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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